Pattaya Daily News

The reasons for suicide are many. The major cause is love or lack of it. It is said, cruelly I think, that you don’t lose your girlfriend here in Pattaya, only your turn. If more old men learned this lesson there would be fewer premature deaths. If you lose the love of your later life, move on. A walk down soi six would convince you that you can love again; often and with someone younger and prettier, with fewer children who lives nearer than the mandatory six hour drive to Issan to visit the afore-mentioned.

The second main reason for topping yourself is money or rather lack of it. Maybe the two reasons are in some way interconnected? As the American dollar and the British pound dwindle before the mighty baht, the Thai government should seriously consider devaluation. Dead pensioners are no good to anyone. There will be no further monthly transfers. Even private pensions are cut in half for the married Thai recipient. As news gets around through the Daily Mail about the health hazards of living in Thailand , more and more sex-pats will try Cambodia or the Philippines . This could seriously affect the Thai economy.

As a child, my brother and I often used to debate the best method of committing suicide: we had really cruel parents compared to our chums. In Pattaya most suicidees join the Flying Club. The determined ones leap, sans parachute, from the 25th floor of View Talay 57. The undecided and doubtful try it from a shop-house in LK Metro. I have to protest that this method is really rather bad form in Thailand . The Thais try to avoid confrontation at all costs. This is difficult to do with a dive bomber landing on your car or wife. It is also extremely messy in a hot climate when the dustbin men only come round on Wednesdays.

I would like to recommend alternative methods. Every time you take a lift/elevator locally, you run the risk of sudden death as Thai technicians have removed all safety devices in the interests of speed and their copper content. It follows then that by devoting a fair amount of your time to going up and down to the 25th floor of View Talay 57, one day you will not need to get out.

Taking lots of tablets was my brother’s preferred way out. It was painless and could be done privately without denting anyone’s car or wife. (The problem in Thailand is the number of generic drugs or copies that might not kill you but leave you incontinent or lame.)

For the more imaginative, go for a stroll down a dark soi off Walking Street . Allow yourself to be talked into viewing an upstairs sex show by the gangs of eager-to-please young men. At the top of the stairs change your mind. A variant on this is to query the fare on a motor bike taxi ride to Sukhumvit at 2am, any day will do but Saturdays are best.

For the unimaginative, just go for a swim in Pattaya Bay in the unmarked jet-ski lanes.

Written by: Mike Bell

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